By Bosede Ola-Samuel
Communication is key to everyone in a relationship if it is to succeed. Communication in relationships, especially in marriage, is one of my emphasis in this column. Communication, therefore, can be described as the engine room of every relationship because, if it fails, the relationship becomes endangered. In fact, it will signal the end of such a relationship. In marriage, couples must therefore learn to effectively communicate with one another.
Unfortunately, in this part of the world, we have not cultivated the art and act of effective communication. Thus, we make a mess of relationships. The implication is that many relationships, such as those of marriage, friendship, and family, don’t deliver their best to the people involved. At best, what we get is fragile, peaceful coexistence, in which we barely get along with one another in many relationships.
Narrowing this down to marriage, the experience is the same, and poses a great danger to society, since the building of society begins with the marriage institution, raising people for society.
In marriage, one of the things that communication should centre on is sex. Sex is one pillar in a marriage that must not be taken for granted; otherwise, the marriage will crumble. Once sexual fulfilment is not achieved in a marriage, it becomes endangered through infidelity, emotional torture, or outright breakdown. It’s not uncommon these days to read on social media about the dissolution of marriages due to the lack of sexual fulfilment of the spouses, especially the wives.
Communication about sex should, therefore, be prioritised by couples. Not only should it happen, but it must be effective, such that the information is delivered and received by each party; otherwise, it becomes poor communication. So, each couple must ensure that the information on sex is well explained and received with perfect understanding between them.
Interestingly, I have been recently engaged by many readers of this column on the issue of sex, especially irregular sex. This is why I decided to go through this route for our engagement today. I hope this will be of help to our many interesting and curious readers.
What sexual communication should centre on
Sexual desire must be communicated.
You must communicate your desire to have sexual engagement with your spouse. In most cases, this communication has been left to the husbands. That is, such communication should be initiated by the husbands. This is what tradition has fostered in us. So, it becomes something out of the blue for a wife to communicate her desire to have sex with her husband. This is not the ideal situation. Both marriage partners should be free to express the desire to have sex.
Though it is changing nowadays, it is yet to reach an appreciable level. A good number of wives still wait for their husbands to initiate sex. Not only should sexual desire be communicated, it must be effectively communicated; that is, the husband should not just grab the wife for sex suddenly, just like that.
A wife said all that her husband used to do whenever he wanted sex was to “summon” her to the bed and climb her without foreplay. What a bad way to communicate sexual desire. The process should be a gradual build-up to prepare the ground for mutual sexual fulfilment.
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Foreplay.
This is the foundation for sexual engagement. It’s needed due to the difference between a male and a female concerning sexual response. A man’s response is quick and immediate, while that of a female is slow and non-spontaneous. So, there is a need to put the wife in the mood for sex well ahead of the time for the act. This must be well understood by couples, and building their sex act around it gives mutual fulfilment to the partners.
Sex Channels
There are spots on the body that make a man or woman turn jelly for sex. It may be the inner thighs, buttocks, earlobe, breasts, male and female sex organs, etc. Anyone who would enjoys regular sex must master such spots on the body of his or her spouse, especially the wife. That’s why wives are often called pretenders when it comes to the matter of sex. Once you press her turn-on button, she will cringe for you in bed, making you wonder about where “I’m tired” had disappeared. You must communicate how you want to be touched on your body for maximum sexual experience. This gets the job done easily.
Appearance in bed or around the house
There’s nothing that motivates couples for regular sex like being vulnerably naked with one another. You should be deliberate about being naked around your spouse, in the privacy of your house. Sleep naked together, walk around naked in your room, and go to the bathroom or toilet. You cannot flaunt your endowed body parts and not get sexually intimate with yourselves. That’s why you have to be deliberate about it because the ageing process, life challenges, etc., could play games on you, and you can feel that you are no longer in tune. But that is the lie of your perception. Don’t fall for it.
Take good care of your body and showcase it before your spouse. Being naked around your spouse is a great motivation for regular sex. You should communicate your preference for such a turn-on for sex to your spouse.
Sex styles or positions
Sex has gone beyond the traditional approach of ‘husband on top’ for sex. This is the most common type of position, also called missionary style, that couples use for sex. However, more positions produce maximum pleasure in bed. Couples must thus have conversations around the styles that best suit them for mutual sexual satisfaction.
Locations for sexual engagement
Traditionally, sleeping objects like mats or beds used to be the only acceptable place for sex. However, experience has taught us that sex can be great fun and exciting if it takes place in other places like on the chair or couch, tabletop, sitting room, kitchen, bathroom, etc. As long as it is comfortable and safe, without compromising privacy, sex is okay in any place you mutually agree on.
One thing that drives sexual fulfilment is adventure. Trying something new sexually, in mutual agreement, could be great fun for couples. Being conservative could spell doom for, or endanger a marriage. In fact, we have seen cases where infidelity in marriage was due to the search for adventure by partners. We can save our marriage from such irresponsible acts of infidelity by getting adventurous in marriage, especially with sex.
Turns off
Communication should also involve what turns you off sexually. Dirty appearance, unclean innerwear, unkempt hairstyles, bad odour, etc., can be bad for sexual engagement. You should try to look nice, smell nice, and be clean. Stop carrying dirty inners around, and learn to understand that armpit and vagina hairs need to be shaved or trimmed. It’s so annoying that some of us smell bad inside there, which comes as a distraction from sex.
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Time to have sex
Sex should not be limited to nighttime only, after the day’s work. Sex in the morning can be a great morale booster for the day, and great fun too. Sex, alone in the house, or a getaway location, could be a great idea for adventures. You should communicate your preferences as you engage in sex talk in your marriage. Don’t be emotionally traumatised due to the fear of being termed promiscuous by your spouse. If you do, it may eventually make you end up being promiscuous outside your marriage. It’s better to be termed promiscuous rather than being caught in the web of infidelity. So, speak out instead of suffering emotional trauma without need.
There’s no end to what you can communicate with your spouse on sex matters. After all, you own each other’s bodies. So, be ready to talk about how to explore it to the fullest in and out of bed. It’s all for your maximum benefit.
•You can avail yourself of copies of my books, ‘Enjoying Great Sex Life and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy Sex’. Please. Contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.
