By Funke Egbemode
It all started with Kunle pretending to be thinking aloud.
“I wish we can all go back to the Garden of Eden.”
I was shocked. Though we call him Apostle but he is certainly not one of those Jesus Christ left to spread the gospel. And he hadn’t had any major drink that morning, at least nothing stronger than a can of energy drink. So, where did the ‘inspiration’ come from?
“Why would you of all people want to go back to the Garden of Eden, assuming it is possible to turn back the hands of the clock?”
Kunle had a wicked glint in his eyes and I needed no psychologist to tell me his thoughts were absolutely unholy. He proved me right.
“So we can all go about naked again.”
He was leering and smacking his lips as if his naughty wish had already been granted. Walk about naked indeed! I told him to add the moon to his wish list while he was at it.
Somehow, the discussion drifted towards first wives. Most of my colleagues are married men and they all have all kinds of crazy ideas. For instance, Shola did not see why women are always fretting over their husbands’ extra-marital affairs.
“There is no big deal about one little girl outside. I don’t understand why you women won’t let us be. Having a girlfriend does not translate to not loving one’s wife any more. It’s just a short-term refresher course. And anyway, why should a wife who has served faithfully and meritoriously not be retired? With full benefits too? I mean, if you have been married to the same woman for 25 or 30 years, she should offer to retire. It is only fair that she should be rewarded.”
Kunle thinks all first wives deserve long service awards.
“Long service award is standard practice and all good husbands should give it to their long suffering wives.” That was Lanre. He knows all about standard best practice. He is the craziest and most creative man I have met yet. If movie producers know what his mind is capable of, they will abduct him forever.
“We all know international labour laws frowns at casualisation and once you have employed a woman for 20 years, you can retire her with full benefits. The job is a pensionable one.” Lanre has all kinds of tricky plots on his fertile mind.
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Steve believes he is the only fair one, why retire a first wife when you can promote her?
“We should be able to have senior wife and senior senior wife. That would create a vacancy for a young wife. Just like you have junior clerks and senior clerks in the ministries.” You see, Steve’s logic has nothing to do with fairness and everything to do with installing a second wife. There was also talk of sending a first wife on vacation after working so hard. I love that part and I told them so. But they were prepared. Yes, a first wife can go on vacation but it has to be in her village with her parents. Can you beat that selfish angle? Why can’t a woman choose where she wants to spend her holidays? Why does it have to be in her village and not in South of France or Barbados with a friend of her choice? My friends almost had a group cardiac arrest.
“What friend?” They all chorused.
See? They want to move on to the next girl while still holding on to the old one. Why must they get suspicious of the friend madam is spending her vacation with? Are they not retiring the first wife because she’s old and spent? Why not leave her to enjoy her retirement and pension? Greedy old selfish blokes still want to supervise someone in retirement. Is that standard practice? You have no jurisdiction, no right over how a retired worker lives after she has taken her long service award. And anyway, where did men get this idea that it is their exclusive preserve to try new dishes? Wives also get bored with eating the same meal every day for two decades, you know. It won’t hurt if a first wife also tries rice or eba after a ‘lifetime’ of only ‘fufu’. Is someone aiming a slap at my face? Truth is bitter.
Selfish husbands don’t think we deserve to relax, it’s absolutely undemocratic to deny women what men are enjoying.
First wives are long suffering creatures, believe me. Most of the hanky panky husbands play are absorbed by them. They shrug off so many things that would put any man in a designer casket. Yet, they think wives know nothing. If only they know how much of their secrets is topic of girls’ roundtable, they will be shocked to their bone marrows. But because smart housewives don’t throw tantrums over every issue, husbands actually think their wives are deaf and dumb. Let them live on in their blissful ignorance.
We are more worried about the grand plot , the grand conspiracy against first wives. Maybe you have not noticed until now but the gang-up is real. They want to retire us or promote us into irrelevance. We are game if they are because it is a game two can play. They should just let us use the same set of rules. If it is okay to try variety, let all parties feel the spice. If first wives must go on vacation, let them decide where they want to go and who they want to go with. If they must retire first wives, let them leave them to enjoy their pension. That is standard practice. Abi?
*Egbemode (egbemode3@gmail.com)
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