By Funke Egbemode
Today I’m worried about men of God, wet matchboxes and the fire at the base of the mountains of pastors’ wives. I’m worried about pastors who leave their wives’ needs unattended in the name of doing God’s work.
A pastor’s wife was caught pants down with her butt-naked brother-in-law defiling the clergyman’s marriage bed. The video trended for a while last week. Did you see it? The woman said she was pushed into the act by hunger, sexual hunger. Her pastor husband was focused more on fasting and prayer than fulfilling his conjugal duties. The man of God neglected the fire in between the legs of his wife. He allowed his wife to burn while he concentrated on the fire on his prayer altar. He refused to mount his wife and deliver her from the tension in her loins but instead moved from one prayer mountain to the other.
He must have convinced himself that the fire burning his wife was a fire of lower importance than the fire on his mountain. What did he know? When a woman wants her man, she wants him. She is not impressed by his spiritual exercises or excuses. She will hold on for as long as she can keep the fire under her wrapper, skirt or trousers. And women, especially wives, are good with holding that fire than men. Maybe that is why men take advantage of us. They think because we do not have evidence of a ‘morning glory’ or an angry ‘hard-on’ we do not have desperate moments. What ignorance! What carelessness! That’s why the Pastor stayed on the mountain, ignoring his wife’s cry for help. Did he think being a pastor exempted him from taking his wife to peaks of orgasmic pleasure plateau or that being Mummy G.O. excludes his wife from sexual needs?
Therefore, on Count 1, Oga Pastor was guilty. He left his primary assignment, his first call and allowed the devil to use it to taint his calling and ministry. Because, come to think of it, sex in marriage is holy, God-approved. Bible-sanctioned. So what was the Pastor thinking, that there would be no consequences for leaving his wife’s needs attended? In any case, how long does it take to quench the fire in between a woman’s legs? You can do a one-hour drill. You can also do a quickie. She’s your sheep, pastor. Lead her in the right direction, lead her to wet pasture. But you can’t ignore her. She is God’ gift to you, your helpmeet, the bone from your side. Ignoring her needs is like telling God to ‘come and carry his load’ because you have other more important loads. No sir, you can’t tell God that. The things that happen when a woman’s needs are ignored are far more costly than the little sacrifice of touching her in the right places and taking her to cloud nine twice a week. Okay, once a week. Just give a good account of your manhood when you do your weekly ministration. That’s all.
A pastor friend of mine told me that when you see a man of God prancing energetically on the altar, singing and dancing on Sunday morning, his wife had ministered to him all night. Meaning: a loving night of love puts a spring in the steps of pastors too. Now, imagine what an unhappy, frustrated pastor’s wife will mean and do to the call and commission! Her husband’s prayer will be hindered. What then is the essence of eight months of prayer and fasting if the prayer will be hindered? Imagine the sacrifice, denying yourself food, water, soft drinks for months just so the man in the wheel chair in your church can be healed, only for nothing to happen just because your wife is not being treated fairly. It’s not even as if sex is some bitter pill. It’s sweet, delicious, relaxing, therapeutic blessing from God. Why would a man of God run from a gift from God, a gift that was created before Pastor was formed? I don’t just understand some men’s interpretation on the holy books and God’s thoughts when he created the marriage institution. Is it that they know more than God or they simply don’t know anything at all? You keep your wife on ice for months and you say you love God?
We all need to read 1Peter 3: 7.
‘Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives. And treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the glorious gift of life, SO THAT NOTHING WILL HINDER YOUR PRAYERS.
Dear men of God, do not waste our faith, the hope of your congregation because that is what you do when you treat your wives unfairly. We come to you. You lead the service, you bless us at the end of the service. We go home waiting for a miracle but you dear pastor, go on to block our testimonies by the way you treat your wives. Today is Saturday sir, make Mummy happy tonight. It is important for tomorrow’s service. Don’t use your I-can-go-without-sex-for-12-months pride to spoil your congregants’ testimonies. Do not hold back tonight. It is not a sin to do your wife well in every style and position. Forget her big hats and flowing dresses, she is just a warm-blooded female waiting for you to quench the fire down there.
On Count 2, therefore, the pastor, whose wife confessed to adultery, in the video is also found guilty of indirectly hindering the prayers of his flock.
But wait, isn’t it suspicious, very suspicious that a man, any man will go without sex for eight months at a stretch. A friend tried to plant a bad angle in my head.
‘Are we sure he wasn’t getting some on the side, outside?’ He asked with mischief glinting brightly in his eyes.
‘He is a man of God!’ I warned him, like thunder could follow his blasphemous insinuation.
‘He’s a man first.’ He insisted on his theory. Bad guy, that one.
‘What if his matchbox is wet…?’ it’s possible, right?’
‘Oh wow, that is very possible.’ He’s my friend and I know how to divert his attention from one interesting theory to even more colourfully interesting ones.
Seriously though, if a man is hiding out on prayer mountains for eight months, avoiding his wife’s bed and bosom, it is safe to assume that his matchbox is wet. A wet matchbox will have wet matchsticks. Wet matchsticks can’t produce sparks, least of all light a fire. Now, that is sad and a natural disaster that we cannot hold Pastor responsible for. But he should have taken his wife into confidence so they could have sought medical and psychological help. To just hide behind church activities, fasting and prayer is both unfair and unwise. We all know that when men’s libido starts waning, it’s like a death verdict for them. They first go into denial, then feelings of shame, anger and then self-help of all shades. You do not want to know the risks and danger they expose their livers and kidneys to just so they can raise the dead, if you get my drift. The small sachets of this and that…Ale, aleko, opa eyin, and of course, Viagra and its blue cousins. May the Lord help our men.
Ladies, when you notice or suspect that your man’s matchbox is wet, don’t let him fool you with ‘ there’s an important match at 11pm.’ Or, members of the Men’s Fellowship are starting a 30-day fasting and prayer. Don’t let him sleep on the couch. Help him get his groove back, after all you were the great beneficiary when he was doing it everywhere in the house. There are many ways to dry his matchbox but this is a family platform, we will have to take the details somewhere else. Right.
Finally, to Mummy G.O who decided her husband’s brother was the alternative to her husband, it’s a shame, ma, you are guilty on that count and your sentence will have no option of parole. Your brother-in-law on top of you or under you was not the solution. Oh no! Even if that was a cry for help, it was a shameful cry. There are many ways, many options, many devices you could have resorted to. There are sex toys. At the very worst, you could have done what you did far away from the homestead. When you have diarrhoea, you do not defecate close to where you live but you, ma’am, you stooped and defecated in front of the family house. Now, you have stained your husband’s calling. You have called his manhood to question. You have damaged your own name, title and position. Instead of people sympathising with your eight-month dry spell in sexual wilderness, you are now the butt of jokes. It is really difficult to come back from this. But it is possible.