By Bosede Ola-Samuel
One salient truth about man is that his greatest need is not sex, but respect. That is, what gets at a man most in life, especially in his marriage, is respect. Men have done craziest things in life just to earn respect. When a man works like a jackal, one thing that is uppermost in his mind, is to earn his respect or regards, not only in the society, but at home, and especially from his wife, who drives things at home. So, when a man no longer feels respected at home, it’s a serious matter that calls for concern, and if not properly dealt with, will rock the boat in the marriage.
The question is not to be respected by the wife, but for him to feel respected by the wife. This is one issue that husbands and wives must have a full grasp of, if the marriage will work. One major reason why many husbands have divorced their wives, and many are just enduring their marriage is due to lack of respect. Yet, the wives keep wondering, what is the respect that their husbands are talking about? To the wives, in most cases, are giving their husbands, the due regards. Every excuse about disrespect is just a case of giving a dog a bad name in order to hang it. So, what is the problem here, and who is being economical with the truth?
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This brings us to the crux of the matter: wives are giving respect, but husbands are not feeling respected. Just like a legal term said that justice must not only be served, it must be seen to be served. Respect must not only be given, it must be seen to be given. That’s what true respect means. Wives will have to give respect in such ways that the husbands will feel respected. Until then, husbands will keep crying aloud about lack of respect from their wives. And, that will not be good for the health of the marriage. Just this morning, a husband in conflict with his wife, cried out that the matter with his wife is lack of respect. According to him, “My wife doesn’t have regard for me. I go out all day, and coming home, she will ask me, ‘do you want to eat”? And I will start wondering, what kind of a question is this? Of course, my regular answer is no.”
From the foregoing, it’s obvious that the husband is not feeling respected by the wife, and he is not alone in it. Many husbands feel disrespected by their wives due to the many ways the wives relate to them. In manner of speech, a wife must understand that respect is communicated through it. I have written before on poor communication skills generally in our society. Both husband and wife must learn how to communicate with each other for them to enjoy the marriage. For the wife, how do you communicate respect to your husband? One thing wives must realise is that if their husbands feel respected, they can get virtually anything from them. So, if there’s anything that wives must focus on doing with their husbands, it is to make them feel respected, in the following ways:
Choice of words: Don’t talk down on your husband if you want him to feel respected. There are words you speak to him in your communication that will be disrespectful. Phrases like “don’t you know you ought to come early or look at the time you are coming back.” Don’t you have eyes to know that the oranges are rotten? Why can’t you use your brain in deciding what to do”, etc. Why some of these may not be out rightly bad or with the intention to disrespect your husband, they communicate insult, and depending on the personality of your husband, the reactions may be volatile. So, be discreet in passing your views to him.
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Body language: Body language is also important in communicating respect to your husband and vice versa. Don’t give him that “who is talking, what do you mean, are you for real, where is the husband” etc kind of looks. Some persons can reduce you to nothing by merely looking at you. When you do such to your husband, you are being disrespectful, even if it’s not your intention.
External projection of him: When you present a negative image of your husband to your children, family, friends, colleagues, neighbours etc, you will definitely make him feel disrespected. You can’t call him good for nothing outside or behind him, and think he will be respected by such people. The way you present outside is the way he will be treated. These things have a way of filtering to him through such third parties, especially when they want to be mischievous, or are unknown enemies within.
Home treatment: How do you treat your husband at home with respect to serving him food, requesting him to help you with house chores, addressing him in the presence of your children or guests all these go a long way to make him feel respected or otherwise. Especially when he is financially below average, such that you foot major part of the bill, don’t make him feel less than a man by treating him as if he is good for nothing. Do you go out without informing him or seeking for his consent? Do you involve him in decisions about your family and personal issues, or you treat him like what has he got to offer? READ ALSO:
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There are a whole lot of ways to make your husband feel disrespected. You must avoid such disrespectful comments, postures, attitudes and mannerisms. Otherwise, you will continue to come across as being disrespectful to him, and it will not augur well for the marriage. Your respect for him means the world to him, and when it’s lacking, you put him on edge in the marriage. Giving him sex, money, gifts etc without respect is like pouring water inside a basket, or putting maize seeds on the back of a calabash.
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