By Funke Egbemode
I was nicely, gently coming out of church, my Pastor’s sermon still running around my brain, when my phone notified me that a certain Deputy Inspector-General of Police had called me three times. That was strange. Usually I do the calling, almost always. I am the one who needs bailing out of tight corners. So I quickly called back.
“Are you watching this discussion on television?” He asked. I rushed to YouTube to catch up, and lo and behold, the discussion was about ejaculation, masturbation, outsourcing, erectile dysfunction and so on.
Come on, why was a DIG watching the programme? He was always looking so tough and stern that I sometimes wondered if he does anything apart from chasing bandits and robbers. Well, he’s a man first before he’s a top cop. But why did he want to spoil my fresh anointing on Sunday morning with all this talk about ejaculation and masturbation? Again, sperms and how they leave the body are natural facts and what happens when they don’t are cold reality.
Let’s unpack the box. The discussion was how men need to ejaculate 21 times in a month to keep prostate cancer away. Yeah, a certain research actually established that. I am not a scientist, but I strongly suspect that there was no woman on that research team. I smell a deep conspiracy here. The men are out for us. They are ganging up against their wives. That’s how and why they sponsored this kind of research. They need a science-based excuse to hang their wives’ legs 21 times a month. They need their doctor’s prescription to turn and flip their wives like burger 21 times in a month. Who does that, except wicked men?
It is okay if the woman is a new bride or young, like she’s 25 or 35, maybe, just maybe she will be able to come through with the 21 times a month regimen. If a woman’s libido is high and her man knows how to keep her wet and happy, she may even attempt to keep up with a hot-loined man. Note, a man must keep his woman wet and happy to achieve 21 ejaculations. He must know what buttons to press, what switch to flick, what knobs to rub to wake his wife up.
However, even if the woman is young and able, what about the distraction of her other duties? What if there are toddlers demanding her attention, a career that demands travelling, a business that requires endless back-break hours, and of course, keeping the home running? How does the man find space to fit in his quota? What if a woman’s libido is incapable of 21 high jumps and her husband’s PSA and DHT are blinking red? He should be allowed to outsource! Outsource kinni (what)?
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Take our jointly owned tool to another, or many other farms to work!? Helloooo, do you know any wife who will willingly let his husband outsource her duties? Even if it will kill us, we will lubricate and hang our legs to keep our staff in office. Yes, some women are strong; they can cope even with a daily dose.
I had a colleague whose husband wanted sex everyday and she coped. Lazy me, I used to watch how she walked because I thought daily sex will alter your gait, the way you walk, but Kiki told me it strengthened their marriage. Now that she’s in her mid-50s I need to ask her if Bobo is still as freaky-freaky as he was.
I told you men had something to do with that research. Didn’t I? They were just looking for science-backed reasons to go global with this outsourcing angle. Soon, they will approach the National Assembly to put side chicks and second wives into our laws to negate that section that says they can go to jail if they legalise the outsourcing. Bad guys. Selfish lot.
Because the doctors have said that any organ of the body that does not regularly flush itself will start retaining toxins, does it mean we can now start issuing licences for men to throw their weights and lengths around?
What about Catholic priests who are sworn to celibacy and do not ejaculate? Will prostate cancer kill all of them? Then how are we going to deal with masturbation in all of these? Masturbation will lead to ejaculation. But it is addictive. Isn’t it? Addiction is another sickness. Then there is the religion part. I’d like to know which of the churches in Nigeria, at least, that does not see masturbation as a sin. I know two churches where those who are ‘under the yoke of masturbation’ will be told to undergo three to five days of intensive deliverance. It is a demon!
But seriously, I feel sorry for men. They need to ejaculate 21 times. They have wives who are constantly saying they are tired or have headache. They have pastors who say masturbation is a demon that needs to be cast out of them. They have pastors who also tell them that side chicks and second wives are sin. Meanwhile, their doctors are brandishing DHT (Dihydrotestosterone, a male sex hormone) flag and threatening them with PSA tests. Poor guys. They are caught between a rock and a hard place.
This is my judgement, guys. Find a way, any way to make your wives wet and happy and then ejaculate 21 times (or even more) every month. It is less expensive and most importantly less stressful. Most men are not endowed with the wisdom and resources to manage outsourcing. If a man is already having problems keeping his headquarters running, opening a branch office is only foolish.
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Wait, what if a man has erectile dysfunction and his wife has a high libido? Shouldn’t she also outsource instead of suffering in silence? Yes, in the spirit of general fairness, if he can’t cope, she should find a side dick to assist him keep the energy primed and the engine running.
I came in peace. I’m going in peace.
*Egbemode ([email protected])
