By Bosede Ola-Samuel
WE have established the fact that marriages cannot do without conflicts due personality and background differences of the marriage partners. A succeeding marriage is not one without conflicts, but one in which the partners have found ways of navigating through the conflicts. The different shades of conflicts in marriage is not an easy assignment for couples to handle. Despite this, it is also not an impossible task to accomplish. Like I always advise, there is no excuse to fail where others are succeeding. I am someone who believes that one example of success is enough motivation to succeed, come what may.
Another angle to this is the fact that if you have succeeded in an area of life, i.e., career, you can also succeed in marriage. You only need to adapt what you did to succeed in your career to your marriage, and you will achieve the same result — success.
In marriage, I can boastfully say that we already have a great cloud of witnesses who have proven that a successful marriage is not a mirage after all. So, it is inexcusable to fail in marriage. All that one needs to do is to find out how others are succeeding despite the many different shades of conflict and summon up enough courage to learn to succeed.
One thing one must not overlook in finding out about solving problems in marriage is the fact that no two marriages are the same. So, you cannot handle conflicts in marriage the same way, hook, line, and sinker. Rather, you only take a cue from the examples and adapt the same to yours.
Let us consider the following ways to handle the many shades of conflict already identified in this platform:
Communication conflict
Communication is key to every relationship. It is one way of servicing relationships, especially marriage. When the communication link is bad or cut, the relationship gets endangered. Through communication, you reach out to your spouse on your likes and dislikes. When it is cut off, it makes the survival of the relationship difficult. It is assumed that someone else is taking your space. Adam and Eve had communication issues, so the devil crept in and gave them double trouble.
When communication is lost, the redemption of the relationship is gone. That is why you see a spouse running away from his or her partner. It is the easiest way of saying, “I am done with you in this relationship.” Lost communication is the height of irreconcilable differences. It simply means we can no longer talk about it. So, we lost it
Communication involves speech, body language, giving attitude to your spouse, writing letters, or sending messages. Eye contact must be properly understood and deployed in marriage. Unfortunately, we are bad communicators in our society. If you want to handle your communication conflict, you have to learn the rudiments of communication. It would help you to understand what to say and what not to, when to talk, when to be a still water running deep, and how to say the right thing in the right way to your spouse, etc.
People who have succeeded in marriage have been able to master the art of communication effectively, either formally or informally. When you know this, you will know peace in your marriage and be counted among the successful ones in marriage.
Let me also bring up the fact that you must deal with the threats to communication in your marriage. This includes the following:
I don’t care attitude. When your spouse’s complaints are not attended to, you are going to get him or her to close up, thus ruining the communication link between you. With time, you will lose that link. You should care about whatever issues he or she raises with you and address them.
Taking issues discussed for granted. i.e., “You are hurting me,” yet you keep at it. Do not explain issues away when raised. Do not take it for granted that he or she cannot do anything about it. You may be leading him or her into withdrawal mode.
Constantly postponing discussions. I am in the middle of something now. We can discuss it later today. I am tired, honey, let’s do it tomorrow.
Lack of listening ear. You only issue command, without being ready to hear your spouse out.
Threatening comments. Comments like “I will deal with you”, “Don’t ever raise that issue with me again”, “You can opt-out if you can’t cope with me”, etc. are things you do to put your marital communication in jeopardy.
Know-it-all attitude. When you constantly present a picture of knowing everything, you will cause your spouse to stop talking to you on so many issues. Stop giving him or her the impression that you do not need contributions or advice from him or her.
Shutting down your spouse. Anytime he or she raises an issue with you, you get angry and shout at him or her. It is like you hate hearing his or her voice. It could be that your mind is made up on the issues involved. So, you do not want to hear anything from him or her that would make you change your mind. No room for a second opinion. Hence, the shutdown posture.
Note also that being moody, having monosyllable responses, and ignoring comments about issues raised are pointers or signs of an endangered communication in marriage. They must be properly addressed to avoid ending up in the wrong address in marriage — a divorce.
Physical and emotional conflict
We established in the earlier write-up that this conflict includes abusive words and physical assault. These are serious sources of emotional trauma in marriage. I impress it, commandingly, on intending couples that both abusive words and physical assault must never be allowed in marriage. It is a taboo that many have allowed to end their marriages and even lives, in some extreme cases. So, you have to agree with your spouse that you will allow self-control to rule over you in this regard.
Nobody should tell me he or she is too hot-tempered to exercise self-control. If you can exercise self-control in the situation of an armed robbery incident, higher authority like your boss calling you “dummy and dumb idiot” without you “fighting” back, then you have the capacity for self-control in your marriage.
If in doubt, call me up for self-control therapy, and I would gladly help you out at a price so that you can put good value on it, since you must have failed to embrace it on a platter of gold in the past, without a fee.
Sexual conflict
This has to do with s3xual dissatisfaction in marriage. My book, ‘Enjoying Great Sex Life’, is a masterpiece on this and it is your perfect solution to this conflict.
Let me say here for free that regular skillful s3x is essential to a successful marriage. A couple that enjoys regular sex will always find a way out of any conflict. It has been discovered that many of the marital conflicts have s3x as an undertone reason. So, skillful, regular sex creates excitement in marriage. How skillful a couple is in the act of s3x makes s3x an enjoyable activity. So, each couple should ever be working on acquiring s3xual skills in terms of time, style, location, etc.
Family background conflict
The best way to deal with the baggage we bring from our different family backgrounds is to put them aside and fashion out what would work in our marriage. One statement that must be avoided in marriage is “This is not the way we were doing it in my parents’ house”. Once you avoid it, you will avoid a lot of troubles in your marriage. Otherwise, it will solicit a counter-response from your spouse. Instead, adopt a system of saying “What will work for our marriage?” By so doing, you would not be sending the wrong signal to your spouse that he or she was not properly raised by his or her parents.
We will conclude on these shades of conflict solutions next week, God willing.
You can avail yourself of copies of my books ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Please contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.
