By Funke Egbemode
Since last week when I called the attention of men to the little-men-little-third-leg matter, I have heard things, many things. Apparently, many men didn’t know that keeping malice with their wives really is less than manly. That’s why they have been shaking the table. How dare Funke accuse them of malice? Quick answer, it is maliciously evil to turn off the money tap of the family because you are quarreling with your wife. Again, I was asked where I procured the audacity to call out men’s third leg, whether big or small and or ineffective. Bros, I was first being nice, really. I wanted you to know that being great in the sack is great but not greater than a happy and well-kept wife because great things can happen in ‘illegal’ sacks too. That last part has almost caused a civil war.
Funke! They screamed in conspiratorial unison. Are you saying women, our wives are doing illegal sacking? Sorry, I plead the fifth, as Americana say when they don’t want to answer a question that could implicate them. Me I do not know anything. All I know is when someone is being starved, he or she might be tempted to check out the greener pastures of a generous neighbour.
In other words, a wife whose husband is starving of housekeeping allowance will most likely find a generous friendly man attractive. She may also shift all her energy and passion to her business or career. When a woman shifts in anyway, the end thereof is rarely ever good for all concerned. The only good point made in the last six days on this matter is that, when it comes to who is more malicious in marriage, women take the cake but ONLY when it comes to closing the borders of Jerusalem. But seizing car keys, refusing to release house-keeping allowance and responding to ‘welcome back’ with grunts are all a man’s thing. Women, we only close our legs when we are upset, and the closure doesn’t last long. Men who know what to do know what they do. I can’t reveal that secret today.
Anyway, my point is, withholding your money and body from your spouse is also domestic violence. However, last week was to call men’s attention to their bad behaviour as financial terrorists in the home. Guys, stop it. What is bad has no other name. Give your wife money, even if there’s unresolved cold war. Because if you don’t, it has the capacity to degenerate into Russia-Ukraine War.
But today, Sayo is crying. She’s a serial domestic terrorist. Because she’s shapely, sexy and great in bed, she had learnt to deploy (or is it un-deploy) sex to her advantage. Even after two pregnancies and the rigours of baby-friendly breastfeeding, Sayo’s shape is still in lip-smacking zone. She has energy in that department too. You know those women who leave their husbands panting? Yeah, so she knew her onions and had her husband where she wanted him. The sad side is that she also had the mean capacity to seal up the honey pot for a whole month. Her husband was a strong man to have coped. That was what we all thought. Until Sayo came crying.
Sayo’s house-help is pregnant for her husband. Her husband has claimed responsibility with his ‘full chest’. The maid is crying too but refuses to discuss abortion. Sayo, however, is refusing to accept full responsibility her closed leg and locked up oil rig have brought her. She is refusing to accept any blame.
‘I gave you everything’
‘What didn’t I do for you, for this marriage?’”
‘Is it just a few days of quarrel and me saying no that led you into the pants of my maid, an ordinary dirty maid?’
Let us sympathize with Sayo. She feels cheated but who doesn’t know that an angry third leg will take its stroll, anyway, anyhow, anywhere? And the problem is not just a few occasion of ‘not tonight’ and ‘leave me alone’ that Sayo is guilty of. She had been doing the evil thing for 10 long years!
You see! It’s a miracle that Sayo’s husband’s wild oats on those hard days he went a-sowing did not yield half a dozen kids.
Of course, all hell has since broken loose and Gaza has lost its peace. This is what I warned against last week. Men took umbrage when I warned that no man should expect that there would be no consequences of being a domestic financial bandit. A husband who stops housekeeping allowance disbursement just because his wife was rude or came home late is a financial terrorist. Nemesis will be waiting for him down the road.
For the woman, the wife who thinks her sweet crude is the only sweet crude, ask Nigeria. Those who are eyeing that third leg you are denying keyless entry are doing press-ups. They have enrolled in a gym to lose weight. They are doing ‘orisirisi’ unmentionable things to capture your ‘thing’. Keep locking up your thigh; we shall all be here when your cookies crumble. What are friends for, if not to give you listening ears and shoulders to cry on? Because girl, you gonna cry premium tears. Let’s just pray that the woman who rescues and relieves your husband’s third-leg-in-distress is not one of your friends or a 42- year-old fine babe who has been waiting for a miracle for so long. Girl, borrow yourself brain, and open up as and when due and demanded.
Now that we have looked at both sides of the coin, can we all agree that there’s actually domestic terrorism in every marriage and that whichever party is found guilty of banditry will pay the price? Good. How about ensuring that the oil rig access is given to the man who won the bid and only him? And men should know henceforth that their money is our money, to be spent lovingly and nicely. It’s how God designed it.
But in case of angry moments when a denied third leg is rearing to take its cap somewhere else, I suggest calmness, deep shaky breaths, cold shower and 30 minutes of comedy show or social media skits. Guys, find other means of ‘punishing’ your wife. My ‘Pope’ has recommended hard and intensive deliverance service in bed. He also advised that you keep your wife busier in the kitchen by being picky with your choice of meals. For instance, after she has spent time making spaghetti Bolognese, change your mind and ask for Ofe-Nsala and pounded yam or Amala and Gbegiri. Ask for moin-moin three times a week. And then ‘vex do the deliverance’ in every position. Trust me, the matter will be resolved sooner than you think.
My sister, each time you think of closing your shop for the owner of the business, close your eyes and imagine your maid enjoying your ‘privileges’ and getting pregnant. Think of your maid becoming your co-wife. Picture your husband leaving you forever. Closed shops are not good for anybody’s health. In any case, how long can a whole deliverance service last?
*Egbemode (egbemode3@gmail.com)
