It is the fourth day of the year. It’s an opportunity to do something new, refocus your life and do things differently. This is the best time to look back, nod or shake your head, depending on what you see. Was 2024 a year you’ll like to do again what you did or is 2025 a year you are determined to change some things? This is the first Saturday of the year. You probably are not at work. Spend today to process where you were in 2024 and plot where you want 2025 to take you.
Bose, I know you are desperate to marry. In fact, you have made up your mind to do anything to become Mrs. Somebody by thunder and fire in 2025. Girl, determination is good. Desperation is not. Desperation blinds. You have all it takes to be a wife. A good job and a more-than-comfortable bank balance. That’s why you want to pay your boyfriend’s rent and foot bills for the wedding. In your church mind, do you think giving your boyfriend monthly allowance and changing his wardrobe will make him husband material? A cap does not become a crown just because you told a tailor to sew in sequins. It’s the same way a synthetic wig cannot become a Brazilian. If that guy does not want to settle down, don’t force him. 2025 is not a year desperation will work. It is not a year to buy a man. A husband you buy will expect to be maintained. He will come with a king-size entitlement mentality. He will constantly remind you through his actions that he did you a favour, married you when nobody else would.
He will dent your self-esteem. His family will conveniently suffer selective amnesia. They will accuse you of using the head of their brother even though they knew he had no head before you bought him. You’ll be accused of ‘stealing’ his stars for your wealth. I know you know the drill. You are just too desperate to acknowledge it. The man you buy will sell your soul. Wait patiently for the man who will pay your bride price. Do not pay your own bride price. Women who buy husbands are not wives. They are bad investors dancing on Regrets Avenue.
Emeka, you have been ‘chopping and cleaning mouth’ for years. You will lose your teeth in 2025, if you don’t stop. The women you will meet this year are designed as rods of punishment. In fact, one of them, according to my crystal ball, was treated badly last year by another man, and is looking for a scapegoat. She will deal with you physically and spiritually. So, before you launch your fake promises and Ogbanje treats, be warned. All those nice things you do to make girls fall ‘yakata’ for you just before you yank the rug from under them will lead you into trouble this year. See this as a warning that will help you avoid stories that touch the heart. Do not go on social media to curry sympathy if a woman scorned decides to reshape your face and or destiny.
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Madam Bisi, I know you think you are an old woman just because you retired from civil service last year. You are 61 going to 80. Shame on you. Auntie Tinuke, you too are looking like you are quarter-to-the -grave because your husband married a second wife. Double shame on you. So both of you want to wither and die because you think your life is over? What I see in my crystal ball favours you, fortunately. All you need do is listen to me and follow my advice. Be like a certain friend of mine who insists she’s 57 going on 37. Yeah, she says that, aside her uncooperative knees, she feels 20 years younger in her mind.
So, my dear Tinuke and Bisi, shake things up in 2025.
Lose the tangled, dirty wigs.
Lose the permanent blouse and wrapper
Lose the chapped nails and do something about your dry lips.
It’s the year to think, look and feel differently.
Live your life to the hilt.
Look good for yourself. Get a new hair cut for a new look.
Tint the emerging gray strands into gold or crimson streaks.
Install a parting on the left.
Install semi-permanent lashes.
Get Brazilian brows. The last two, especially will ensure that even when you are just getting out off bed, you look good. With a styled-low cut and Brazilian brows, you do not need plenty makeup.
Shake up your wardrobe
Buy a few three-quarter trousers.
Figure hugging denims too.
Not all your dresses should be maxi, go for short dresses in 2025.
Trash your loose-fitting bra and get some push-ups.
You are 60. You are not dead yet.
Live and let your man smack his lips. Let him do double-takes when he sees you in shorts in the kitchen, or is there somewhere it is written that becoming a Grandma means becoming dull and dowdy?
Uncle Jamal, your skin-to-skin ‘parole’ will get you into trouble in 2025. I’m saying it authoritatively. You are allergic to condom, right? Well, one of your side chicks has just been advised to find a way to get pregnant this year. Another one has received a prophecy of a set of twins. Do you still think this is a year of skin-to-skin? Because I see unwanted pregnancy in your future. Kabayaaaaaa. The ‘spirit’ is upon me right now. I see women chasing you with pestles. You can heed this warning or get ready for ante-natal bills.
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Monica, you are a side-chick. Wake up and smell the coffee. That guy, again, went to the village to do Christmas alone. That makes it three years in a row. Only his friends know you. He has refused to take you home to his parents. He has refused to propose. Yet you go to his house every weekend to play wifey. How many times do I have to tell you that you are the one wasting your own time? Paul knows what he’s doing. You are his special assistant on domestic services and resident ‘Olosho’. This year, my crystal ball says Paul will marry secretly and shatter your heart and dream. Stop fooling yourself this minute. That other toaster you’ve been ignoring, give him a chance. Move on quickly before Paul serves you a very cold breakfast.
Alhaji, stop taking your wife for granted. You travelled for three straight weeks, returned and picked a fight. You complain about her weight. You complain about her food. Any excuse to go to your Secretary’s apartment. Swear that you have lifted her wrapper in the last four months. All you do is verbally abuse her and leave her in tears. Let me warn you, another man is eyeing her. That her full option ‘fronters’ and ‘rolling-hill’ backside are making someone pant and sweat. That matured field you are ignoring is about to be harvested by another sharp guy. What you think is ‘fairly-used’ is about to be ‘thoroughly used’. My crystal ball is worried about your old age. Those spindly-legged side chicks will eventually abandon you when they have sucked your juices and you are limp and empty. What if Alhaja too decides to explore? I’m not saying two wrongs will make a right but my crystal ball is seeing Alhaja moving further and further away from you. Come back home before your dinner gets ravished by someone who knows the worth of a tasty meal.
Have a wonderful year.
*Egbemode (egbemode3@gmail.com)
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