One major factor in conflict resolution is that there are things that cannot pass for resolution. That is, conflicts cannot be resolved if we engage in those things. So, in marriage, those things must be avoided if true resolution must happen. We will be considering some of those things that I term abominations in conflict resolutions. However, let me state here that if any meaningful resolution will be achieved, couples must embrace children’s presentation or posture on conflict resolution.
One thing we all know is that when children quarrel, it does not last for long. It happens suddenly and disappears suddenly. Children do not dwell on issues in their conduct. They keep issues in the head and not in the heart. One minute, they quarrel, the next minute, they are playing again. Children do not have a heart where hurts can be kept.
It is adults who can dwell on issues of many years. That is why you can hear a husband or wife reeling out offences of his or her spouse that happened twenty years ago as if they happened yesterday. It is like adults find it difficult to embrace the popular saying that “if we don’t forget yesterday’s quarrel, we won’t have friends” ( Ti a ko ba gbagbe oro ana, a ko ni ri enikan ti a o ma ba sere).
So, let us have it at the back of our minds that to be childlike in conflict resolution we cannot but quarrel, and once it happens, we must resolve it quickly.
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Traits to keep out of marital a relationship to have a meaningful conflict resolution include.
*Revenge − “Do me, I do you, God no go vex.” “An eye for an eye.”
This is a terrible approach to conflict resolution. You cannot resolve your conflicts by waiting for an opportunity to strike back at your spouse. I have heard people say “If they ask you how it feels, now you know it” or “When you did your own, didn’t you know that there is pay-back time?” This is a bad approach to resolving conflicts between a couple. We must therefore avoid it like a plague.
*Nagging
Nagging does not resolve conflicts. Rather, it allows it to fester. According to the Oxford Dictionary, to nag means the following:
-someone (especially a woman) who annoys people by constantly finding fault
-bother persistently with trivial complaints
-remind or urge constantly (or repeatedly)
-worry persistently.
The evil in nagging is that it is annoying such that it gets on the nerves of others. One keeps wondering what is the problem and thus makes one adamant or develops a thick skin about the issue. The aim of putting pressure to get a positive response from one’s spouse is thus defeated. Nagging will not get the desired resolution.
*Malice
This is a terrible attention-seeking approach to resolve conflicts. It manifests as giving attitude to one’s spouse, refusing to engage in verbal communication or employing monosyllables in communication, refusing to eat food prepared by one’s spouse, etc. Malice is like a cancerous tumour that festers easily if not nipped in the bud. A malice-keeping spouse should not think he or she will get the desired results for conflict resolution. It could worsen the situation instead of resolving it.
*Negotiation for resolution
This involves giving unreasonable conditions for resolution. You do not take undue advantage of conflicts to make unreasonable demands on your spouse. If compelled to be met, especially when desperate for the resolution of the conflict, such demands may eventually be jettisoned, manifesting as failed promises. It could also end up being a ground for revenge from the other spouse when the table turns.
*Blackmailing
This involves giving a dog a bad name to hang it. It magnifies a spouse’s weakness, passes errors or offences. You blow it open as much as possible for the world to know it. The terrible aspect is one who throws up non-existent behaviour or acts just to nail a spouse. Like saying “he is a pathological liar,” when he is not and vice-versa. Blackmailing can also manifest in exaggeration. This is a bad approach to resolving conflicts.
*Unforgiving posture
No matter what you tell some spouses or how much you plead with them on forgiveness, it is always like throwing up a hand-made fan which ends up falling on its side. It is like they have closed up on forgiveness for their spouses. I think it is only about cultism that I have heard that “forgiveness is a sin”, is a common slogan. So, not finding it in one’s heart to forgive one’s spouse is a bad trait of resolving conflict in marriage. Some people are quick to say even if they forgive, they will not forget. The truth about it is that once you do not forget, you have not truly forgiven, and if the opportunity presents itself, revenge becomes easily inevitable. So, where is the resolution of conflict in this?
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*Postponed/delayed revenge
A lot of wives are guilty of this postponed revenge. They will wait till when their husbands grow old and then start serving them breakfast as dinner. That is when they keep moving from one child’s house to the other, playing grandma roles, without blinking an eye about how their husbands will cope in their absence. After all, the husbands have had their own time, frequently the club houses without the wives. This is not a good attitude to resolve conflicts in marriage. You should not postpone jail term for your spouse.
Another dimension of this is to start paying your spouse back in his or her coin when economic power changes hands. Some spouses wait till the sword is in their hand before paying back their spouses. I know wives who have become unruly because now they can survive economically on their own. Also, some husbands are terrorising their wives because they have come to sudden wealth, as a revenge mission for years of disrespectful attitude suffered in the hands of their wives due to their weak economic power or economic meltdown.
We all must avoid the above and others in conflict resolution. They are ill wind that does no one any good.
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