Sex is one make or mar issue in marriage. It’s as important as the marriage itself. In fact, it will not be out of place to say that, without sex, there is no marriage. It’s the only marital responsibility that cannot be delegated. That’s why it’s one issue that married couples can never be tired of discussing. The last three weeks since the write up on irregular sex on this platform attests to this fact. The responses have been massive, and it’s not going to come to an end soon. It’s one of the reasons for marriage contract and a silent point of divorce, when it’s not properly handled by couples. We all must therefore be committed to making sex work in marriage, otherwise we will have no peace that is needed to enjoy the marriage.
I have decided to write on sex and emotional intelligence today because of certain responses I have received from couples in recent times about the write up on irregular sex. I believe it will help to resolve some of the concerns about it, to a great extent. I have feedbacks bothering on sex denial by husbands and wives, though more on the side of the wives. In one instance, the husband stated that sex starvation has been the order of the day for a couple of years in his marriage. This got me thinking about how this can be possible in a marriage. I then concluded that a look at emotional intelligence should be of help.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. That is, the ability to perceive, interpret, demonstrate, control, evaluate, and use emotions to communicate with and relate to others effectively and constructively. This is essential in every relationship, and in marriage. Lack of, or poor emotional intelligence is the one major cause of marital disharmony. Marriages fail due to poor or low emotional intelligence of couples. As a matter of fact, studies have shown that men reach emotional maturity around 43 years, while 32 years of age is where most women mature. Considering the fact that both genders join the workforce or start a family much earlier than this emotional maturity age brackets, it sometimes negatively affects how they manage their homes, since at the marriage point, they don›t have a decent level of control over their emotional state.
READ ALSO: Irregular Sex: Wives are also crying, by Bosede Ola-Samuel
One of the areas in marriage that emotional intelligence impact on is sex. Since sex is a thing of emotions, the level of emotional intelligence of the spouses will play a role in determining how couples handle it. A couple with low or poor emotional intelligence will not enjoy great sex, on a regular basis. The reverse will the case for spouses with good or balanced emotional intelligence. For instance, a spouse that could deny her husband sex is one low or poor in emotional intelligence. This means she lacks the ability to both manage and understand her emotions and those of her husband. She doesn›t show empathy with her husband›s pains from lack of access to sex in the marriage. A couple that will enjoy great sex in marriage must not be selfish in the matter of sex. Sex must be handled by each partner as a thing of mutual enjoyment. This is what makes sex to flow regularly in marriage. It›s a general notion that one reason some wives don›t subscribe to sex regularly is due to the fact that they see their husbands as using them in the act of sex. Thus, they see sex as a burden placed on them by their husbands. In other to display emotional intelligence, you must think of your emotions and consider those of your spouse. Sex should not be only about yourself, you must think about your spouse as well. Sex must be conducted in the best interest of each other. You don›t insist on time, style, and location etc for sex on your own terms. Rather, it must be on mutually agreed terms.
Emotional intelligence will also consider the underlining factors that may affect the response of your spouse to sex. For instance, when asked for the reasons given by his wife for the many years, sex starved husband said his wife would always allude to offences committed years ago, and thus closed up for sex. The husband will have to probe further and show great remorse for the acts she has been complaining about, rather than glossing over or ignoring them.
READ ALSO: Signals of a sick marriage, Bosede Ola-Samuel
Emotional intelligence demands that consideration is given to the situation in which a wife doesn›t reach orgasm in the act of sex. The husband must be concerned and communicate with her on how best to conduct their sex life in order for her to reach orgasm more regularly. Not only that, husbands who fail in the act of sex due to poor erection or premature ejaculation must be remorseful rather than seeing it as one of those things. He should realise that his wife suffers when he cannot deliver when it matters most.
Emotional intelligence requires that a spouse must give consideration to the temptations his or her spouse will be exposed to if sex becomes irregular in the marriage. One sex starved husband confessed of engaging in extra marital affairs along the line while it lasted.
The point I am making is that couples must take advantage of emotional intelligence to improve on their sex life in order to make it a regular affairs in the marriage. Fortunately, emotional intelligence is something that can be learnt and improved on. There›s therefore no excuse in not laying hold of knowledge of emotional intelligence, which is lacking in many spouses due to ignorance.
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