One major issue in marital intimacy is s3x. I mean great sex that helps a couple to bond. In many marriages, s3x at the initial stage can be fun, especially if you have not been having it always or at all during courtship. Why? New things generate excitement. You are eager to get into a new experience about the things. For example, owning a new automobile intoxicates you to get on the road as often as possible. So does acquiring a new dream dress.
That’s why in Yoruba, it’s said “Bi ode, bi ode ni o n se alaso tuntun,” meaning, a person who has just bought a new dress always wants to go for every outing.
This is the same with marital s3x. When newly married, you are forever looking forward to exploring sex in the best way possible. I mean, you want all of the actions involved in it. Of course, this will also be limited to your level of literacy about it. Even with the ‘sex novice couple’, s3x in the initial stage is an ever-ready, everyday, and every moment affair.
No matter how poor the sexual experience of a couple becomes, the beginning is always sweet and interesting. You can’t get to have enough of each other in bed.
However, many couples have also discovered that after a while, which differs from couple to couple, sex becomes unavailable, boring, and a duty affair rather than a love-making one. Sometimes, it can feel like your sex life has gone on a holiday break, without being intentional or planned. This is the time that looks like things are falling apart, so the centre is no longer holding. During this time, you complain or nag about everything. You get mad easily at each other, without any reasonable explanation. You keep wondering what has happened to your honeymoon experience and expectations.
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At other times, though in rare cases, you may not even get mad at each other, but you know that your s3x life is far from being ideal for the married. Whichever is your experience, it’s not good for the health of your marriage. It requires urgent attention to secure the health of the marriage. And if you have not gotten there, you can prevent it by being proactive about it. Remember, a “stitch in time saves nine.”
There are basically two issues leading to this absence of s3x in marriage
Misunderstanding of honeymoon as time-bound
Couples spend days after the wedding ceremony on honeymoon. This is a time set apart for a couple to become sexually intimate. The issue is that many couples end their honeymoon during the set-apart time. So, unconsciously, there is the feeling that the honeymoon is over and this eventually plays out in the marriage. After a few years, with the challenges of life, s3x is relegated to the background. This makes sexual Intimacy a difficult phenomenon.
Lack of time
After a few years, with the challenges of career building, workplace demands, parenting, among others, couples hardly have time for a great s3x experience. This is when sex becomes a once-in-a-blue-moon and duty-bound exercise. The truth is that time is not a tenable excuse in the marriage. If something is important to you, like someone said, you will create time for it.
If sexual intimacy is made a thing of priority for a couple, they will always create time for it. After all, despite the challenge of time, we still find a way to engage in other activities. The case of s3x should not be different. You and your spouse may feel overwhelmed by busy schedules and a lack of time. But its importance makes it mandatory for a couple to create time for s3x.
According to the author of ‘The Six Pillars of Intimacy’, Aliza DeLorenzo with Tony DeLorenzo, “s3xual intimacy is the only one thing that is always just about you and your spouse. The other five pillars — emotional, physical, financial, spiritual, and recreational — can involve people beyond your spouse. For example, sharing your thoughts and feelings with a friend will affect your emotional intimacy. Worshipping with others at church influences your spiritual intimacy. What is special about s3xual intimacy is that it’s about only two of you. Ignoring this crucial pillar for four or five weeks rarely goes well.”
How to make sex happen
Address it if it’s not happening
According to Aliza DeLorenzo, “It’s possible that you don’t have s3x, and don’t address it. When you ignore the issue, you allow feelings of frustration and resentment to build. This causes cracks in both your s3xual and emotional intimacy. So, there is the need for couples not only to talk about their s3x life but also address the issue of s3x not happening.
READ ALSO: Being married should be fun, by Bosede Ola-Samuel
Duty s3x must be eliminated
Another thing that might happen is that you and your spouse end up having duty s3x, which is when s3x becomes something to check off your list. Duty sex often suggests a bigger disconnect in one of ‘The Six Pillars of Intimacy’. So, couples must set time aside deliberately to discuss their sex life to eliminate or reduce, to the barest minimum, the lack of s3x.
What you can do
First, identify the “Why” and the “What” hindering your sexual intimacy.
Ask yourselves the following questions:
*Why aren’t we making sexual intimacy a priority?
*What is on our calendar that keeps us from having time together?
*What tasks keep us from connecting, and how can we share the burden?
You should cast the vision for what you want your sexual intimacy to look like in your marriage. Perhaps, you need to reassess your intimate lifestyle and decide on a plan together. You should also re-examine the definition of s3xual intimacy.
Too often, the thought of sexual intimacy only refers to intercourse. In reality, s3xual intimacy encompasses everything about your sexual connection with your spouse, including romance, initiation, and foreplay.
There is, therefore, the need to protect your marriage by prioritising s3xual intimacy. Do what it takes to be there for your spouse and choose to foster emotional intimacy alongside s3xual intimacy. Not only will it bring you and your spouse closer, but it will also set you up for success in the marriage.
S3x is fast becoming a topmost reason for divorce. So, let us do everything to guide against it.
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You can avail yourself of copies of my books ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How To Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.
