By Funke Egbemode
After 15 years in the US, Bolaji returned to Nigeria, alone with only what can fit into his suitcases. He returned without a wife, his two children. He was not deported. His marriage failed. His wife got custody of the children and their home. Bolaji decided to return to Nigeria to start all over.
‘I counted my teeth with my tongue and told myself coming back to Nigeria at age 45 would turn out better than continuing to stay in a land that took my youth and sweat just to keep up appearances, pretending that all was well. All was not well. My life was no longer what it used to be. All I had left was my job. When my marriage broke down, my life also broke down. I had to move from my four-bedroom house to a small rented studio apartment. I became a visitor in a home I had shared with my wife and children for 13 years. I had to book an appointment to see my children, pay child support, pay mortgage on a home I was no longer living in, in addition to the rent on my little flat. When I met my wife 14 years ago, she was like a dream come true. She is beautiful, cheerful, had a great job and she was all over me.
‘We hit it off from the get-go. Her sunny disposition was infectious and the sex was out of this world. The icing on the cake was that she is an American citizen. We got married in less than a year and had our two children in quick succession. Maybe the whirlwind romance, great sex and her being an American citizen clouded my judgment or it was because our parents raised us differently, but by the time we celebrated our fifth anniversary, I knew our marriage was in trouble. We quarreled over everything – from which church we would attend, naming ceremony to who took out the thrash. She was totally American, I was totally Nigerian. She was bossy, a character flaw worsened by her better paying job. She did not want in-laws in her space. She did not want our children speaking Yoruba or visiting Nigeria. She wanted to club and party instead of going to church. Every time she heard me speaking on the phone in Ekiti dialect (she understood regular Yoruba a little), she assumed the worst. It was either a grand conspiracy was being hatched against her or I was speaking with a girlfriend. Long story short, she filed for divorce, got the home and custody of the children and I had to move out. Even now, the pain is indescribable.
‘After months of trying to restart my life, I told myself: B.J., go back home. What would have been the point? If I’d remarried in America, there was no guarantee that I would not have lost out again. I had a few investments in Nigeria far from the claws of America’s community property marriage and those came in handy when I returned.’
Bolaji has since set up a big pharmacy at the heart of Lagos and remarried.
Uncle Labi, as he is fondly called, was not so lucky. His ‘Nigerianness’ and his wife’s ‘Americanness’ collided and when the sh*t hit the fan. Uncle Labi was left holding the short end of the stick. His wife got the house, child support while her husband is a lonely old bachelor today.
When Nigerian marriages fail abroad, most of the time, if not all the time, it is the men that are left with the nightmare. Of course, both parties are heartbroken whenever divorce shows up in a home a couple thought would last forever. The children are left bewildered and sometimes forced to choose sides. But I am especially concerned about Nigerian men who become ‘homeless and childless’ when their marriages end up in divorce. I have seen men who never recovered from their broken marriages in Europe and America. They become shadows of themselves. They could not return to Naija because of shame even when their lives abroad had ceased being what it used to be. Some, like Bolaji, return home to pick up the pieces of their lives. Many continue to live abroad even when they cannot find the broken pieces of their once glittering lives.
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So, dear modern parents, have you had that talk with your son who is living abroad? Yes, that young man you sold your gold and a bungalow to send abroad? Have you told him that abroad is different from Nigeria? Have you told him the downside of marrying an ‘oyinbo’, ‘akata’ or even a Nigerian-American woman? I know all you can see is that promo: Marry A Canadian And Move To Canada. I feel you. I can even imagine what you are imagining but the numbers behind six are many, not just seven. What lies ahead of your son’s choice of ‘omo onilu’ wife goes far beyond a green card or ‘stay’. Before you push or encourage him to marry a citizen, you need to think hard and deep.
Yes, that Canadian or American citizen girl’s name is Yetunde or Nnenna but that most likely is where her Nigerianness ends. Your Yetunde has probably visited Nigeria twice in 20 years. Maybe she was even born and raised in America. Your fine boy was finely raised a Yoruba and Nigerian gentleman. You taught him how to be the head of his family, the lead pastor of his home, who must ensure and enforce discipline the Yoruba way. You prepared him to work and fend for his family so he does not lose his authority. But Yetunde was thoroughly tutored about equal rights in marriage. She was taught hard work too, just in a different way. She was brought up to have a career, work hard, contribute to the family purse and stand her ground. She is not a wife you get angry with and she’ll cry herself to sleep. She does not understand the in-law concept and its intricacies. Yes, in spite of all these differences, their marriage can still last forever, after all, the marriages contracted and situated in Nigeria do fall and fail too. It is just that marriage is a black market thing and therefore it is absolutely unwise to go into it with blinders on or intentionally ignore the obvious black spots.
If your precious son must marry a citizen, he has to wear two caps; both the Nigerian son and his ‘citizen’ husband caps must be constantly, firmly in place. He must learn everything he can about community property marriage if that is the law where he is living. He must know that he is not the head in his marriage. He is an equal partner. And if ‘kasala’ bursts, he is the one who will move out of the family home. There, there is no such thing as;
I will send you back to your father’s house.
Take your things and get out of my house.
This house cannot ‘contain’ both of us.
A landlord at 9pm can be homeless by 10pm. A thriving career can nosedive in no time at all. A sane happy young father and husband can become depressed and suicidal if he loses custody of his children, or end up in police custody if his wife reports him to the authorities. So, aunty, your grandchildren being born as Canadian or American citizens is not all you should consider. Think of all the angles and scenarios. Tell your son to have investments back home in Nigeria in case, God forbid, he has to return and restart his life to save his sanity.
*Egbemode (egbemode3@gmail.com)
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